I hate hummus!!!!
My darling Carlos.
I do apologise for my delay in replying to your last email. I had a bit of a mishap on wednesday morning which landed me in hospital until this morning. Sometime I think I must be the unluckiest person alive! It's a good job I have a positive outlook on life or I would have had a breakdown by now!
My heating boiler had broken so my house was rather cold. I had called the engineer on Tuesday and made an appointment for the following afternoon so I wasn't overly concerned. Wednesday evening I was hosting a dinner party for some potential new business connections so made an early start on the food preparation. Dips always go down well at such soiree's so I decided to make some hummus. Do you like hummus Carlos? In light of what has happened, I don't think I shall ever eat it again. Anyway, I gathered the chickpeas, tahini, garlic, lemon juice and oil and set to work. As I was putting the chickpeas into the blender a couple escaped and dropped to the floor. I thought, "I'll pick those up later." and that my dear, was a near fatal error of judgement. I made the hummus which it galls me to say was utterly delicious and then made a start on some Mexican bean pasta (always reminds me of you when I eat that!!). I spent the next hour or so cooking this and that and then decided it was time for a bit of pampering.
Thankfully, in light of my recent pig related accident, I have a downstairs bathroom so off I popped to do a bit of intimate hair removal and the likes. First I put on a clay face mask, the type that dries hard and makes you look like ghost then got the hair removing wax out. I balanced on the side of the bath and put the hot wax on my legs and lady bits! (hope that doesn't embarrass you Carlos, me talking about my most intimate lady parts) I needed to let the wax set a bit before applying the strips and ripping it off so I hobbled back into the kitchen on my crutches to get a quick drink before my face pack set too hard. By this time I had completely forgotten about the chickpeas that had fallen to the floor earlier and unfortunately, one of my crutches made contact with them. The crutch slipped on the chickpeas and sent me flying across the kitchen floor in a move reminiscent Ann Widdecombe doing her very best on Strictly come dancing. I landed face down on the floor and thankfully didn't hurt myself. Now this was when it all became a bit tricky.
I have a beautiful, Italian marble tiled floor in the kitchen. Have you ever felt marble Carlos? It is notorious for it's icey cold touch and the tiles in my kitchen were even more so due to the lack of heating with the boiler being broken. As my exposed, wax covered flesh made contact with the tiles, the wax quickly changed temperture and began to set. Since my previous accident with the pigs, I am obviously not as mobile as I used to be so was struggling to get myself back up off the floor. My crutches had both gone sliding across the floor when I fell and were out of my reach. As I tried to pull myself up, I encountered a great deal of resistance. Carlos, the wax had set and I was stuck to the floor! I couldn't move the lower half of my body, my lady garden being firmly stuck to the tiles. I tried and tried but alas, all my efforts were in vain. All I could do was lay there, hoping that maybe a kindly neighbour would hear my cries for help and come to my rescue.
I laid there for 2 and a half hours in the cold with nothing but the Greatest Poems of Pam Ayres as chosen and read by Janet Street Porter on Radio 4 for company. I had forgotten what a work of utter genius "I wish I'd looked after me teeth" is!! Then my saviour arrived in the form of the boiler engineer. Thankfully he heard my cries for help and saw me laid prostrate on the Italian marble, backside in the air and a face that made me look like an extra from Casper the friendly ghost!. He rushed in and cleverly used my hair dryer to melt the wax and free me from my embarrassment. He was such a dear and insisted that I go to hospital for a check up as by now, my skin was red raw and I was suffering from mild hypothermia. The hospital staf were amazing and kept me in until the morning to make sure I was fully recovered. The boiler man, bless him, went back to the house and sorted the boiler for me. I told him to help himself to the hummus as I felt physically sick at the thought of eating it now.
So Carlos, I am back home now a little sore and with a bruised ego but doing ok. I hope your trip is continuing to be fruitful and that you are not making yourself too tired. If you need to relax and switch off at the end of a busy day, I can thoroughly reccommend reading a bit of Pam Ayres. She truely is a lyrical genius!
Hope to hear from you soon my darling.
Love and kisses a plenty from your darling Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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