A message to Carlos - Deadly chickpeas and Pam Ayres.

I hate hummus!!!!


My darling Carlos.

I do apologise for my delay in replying to your last email. I had a bit of a mishap on wednesday morning which landed me in hospital until this morning. Sometime I think I must be the unluckiest person alive! It's a good job I have a positive outlook on life or I would have had a breakdown by now!

My heating boiler had broken so my house was rather cold. I had called the engineer on Tuesday and made an appointment for the following afternoon so I wasn't overly concerned. Wednesday evening I was hosting a dinner party for some potential new business connections so made an early start on the food preparation. Dips always go down well at such soiree's so I decided to make some hummus. Do you like hummus Carlos? In light of what has happened, I don't think I shall ever eat it again. Anyway, I gathered the chickpeas, tahini, garlic, lemon juice and oil and set to work. As I was putting the chickpeas into the blender a couple escaped and dropped to  the floor. I thought, "I'll pick those up later." and that my dear, was a near fatal error of judgement. I made the hummus which it galls me to say was utterly delicious and then made a start on some Mexican bean pasta (always reminds me of you when I eat that!!). I spent the next hour or so cooking this and that and then decided it was time for a bit of pampering.

Thankfully, in light of my recent pig related accident, I have a downstairs bathroom so off I popped to do a bit of intimate hair removal and the likes. First I put on a clay face mask, the type that dries hard and makes you look like ghost then got the hair removing wax out.  I balanced on the side of the bath and put the hot wax on my legs and lady bits! (hope that doesn't embarrass you Carlos, me talking about my most intimate lady parts) I needed to let the wax set a bit before applying the strips and ripping it off so I hobbled back into the kitchen on my crutches to get a quick drink before my face pack set too hard.  By this time I had completely forgotten about the chickpeas that had fallen to the floor earlier and unfortunately, one of my crutches made contact with them. The crutch slipped on the chickpeas and sent me flying across the kitchen floor in a move reminiscent Ann Widdecombe doing her very best on Strictly come dancing. I landed face down on the floor and thankfully didn't hurt myself. Now this was when it all became a bit tricky.

I have a beautiful, Italian marble tiled floor in the kitchen. Have you ever felt marble Carlos? It is notorious for it's icey cold touch and the tiles in my kitchen were even more so due to the lack of heating with the boiler being broken. As my exposed, wax covered flesh made contact with the tiles, the wax quickly changed temperture and began to set. Since my previous accident with the pigs, I am obviously not as mobile as I used to be so was struggling to get myself back up off the floor. My crutches had both gone sliding across the floor when I fell and were out of my reach. As I tried to pull myself up, I encountered a great deal of resistance. Carlos, the wax had set and I was stuck to the floor! I couldn't move the lower half of my body, my lady garden being firmly stuck to the tiles. I tried and tried but alas, all my efforts were in vain. All I could do was lay there, hoping that maybe a kindly neighbour would hear my cries for help and come to my rescue.

I laid there for 2 and a half hours in the cold with nothing but the Greatest Poems of Pam Ayres as chosen and read by Janet Street Porter on Radio 4 for company. I had forgotten what a work of utter genius "I wish I'd looked after me teeth" is!!  Then my saviour arrived in the form of the boiler engineer. Thankfully he heard my cries for help and saw me laid prostrate on the Italian marble, backside in the air and a face that made me look like an extra from Casper the friendly ghost!. He rushed in and cleverly used my hair dryer to melt the wax and free me from my embarrassment. He was such a dear and insisted that I go to hospital for a check up as by now, my skin was red raw and I was suffering from mild hypothermia. The hospital staf were amazing and kept me in until the morning to make sure I was fully recovered. The boiler man, bless him, went back to the house and sorted the boiler for me. I told him to help himself to the hummus as I felt physically sick at the thought of eating it now.

So Carlos, I am back home now a little sore and with a bruised ego but doing ok.  I hope your trip is continuing to be fruitful and that you are not making yourself too tired. If you  need to relax and switch off at the end of a busy day, I can thoroughly reccommend reading a bit of Pam Ayres. She truely is a lyrical genius!

Hope to  hear from you soon my darling.

Love  and kisses a plenty from your darling Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A reply from Carlos - He is so scare about animal.

After breaking my tragic news to Carlos about losing my foot to a bunch of marauding pigs, all he can say is that I should give glory to God!! How about a bit of sympathy eh Carlos?!! He does say his love for me is unconditional (even without 2 of my toes) so I guess I should be grateful for that!


Hello Sweetie,

How is life treating you there? I am sorry for what happened to you this is a sad experience,i was thinking that you no longer interested that is why you kept silent but is now clear to me what happen,you were so lucky one thing i know in this life is that things happen for a purpose so we can't question God for it,i know for sure that what happened to you will bring happiness to your life. I am happy for what you said about Losing your foot has given you an idea for a new business. I am so scare about animal because i feel they hurt easily, well all i can say is for you to give glory to God.

I want you to know that when i love i love completely so nothing will change my mind,the love i have for you is unconditional love, so losing 2 of your toes is never a barrier,in as much i love so i will continue to love you till the end. Always remember that no matter the circumstances i will always be there for you.This is all i can say for now.
Hug and kisses,
Carlos.

A message to Carlos - could he ever love a wonky woman?

I thought it was about time that Carlos knew the full extent of my tragic accident. I just hope he can find it in his heart to sill love me now I am minus a foot.

My dearest darling Carlos.

I do hope you can forgive me for my prolonged absence from contacting you. The last few weeks have been an utter nightmare Carlos, only thoughts of you have kept me sane. Had it not been for a picture of you that I keep in my purse, I fear I would have gone insane. Being able to look at your gorgeous face made me keep fighting and kept my spirits up.

I did send you a quick email explaining that I had had an accident and would reply later and I never did. For this I apologise. This is because I was taken back into hospital and had no interent access.

I shall now explain the awful details of what happened to me.

Remember I told you all about the sheep refuge that I help out at? The refuge had a call about some sheep that were no longer being productive in the wool department and were being sent to slaughter. They agreed that they would collect and home them at the refuge and asked me if I would drive the van to  pick them up. As I had a free afternoon I said I would. I do so like to help out when I can :) Sadly, my giving nature was to become my downfall.

I safely loaded the sheep into the special van and made sure they were secured into their individual harnesses. I thought I would just have a 5 minute sit down before setting off and eat my sandwhich I had made for my lunch. It can be quite hard work loading the sheep as they are feisty little things! I spotted some pigs in pen further across the farm yard so went to have a little look. I do love pigs Carlos! Their snubby little noses and piggy eyes are just so adorable don't you think?  The pigs all came rushing towards the fence when they saw me approach and I just couldn't help but climb into their pen to give them a fuss. Sometimes I am just too soft for my own good lol! Being the softy that I am, I ended up sharing my sandwhich with them. Who'd have thought that pigs would like hummous, grated carrot and chinese leaf? Anyway, the pigs seemed starving so I thought I would go back to the van and get some more bits of food for them ( there was a stash of crisps, biscuits and canapes left by the last driver) As I climbed over the fence, my left foot became wedged between the bars and I fell forward. I must have hit my head and knocked myself unconscious as I cannot remember anything of what happened next.

I awoke sometime later to find myself with my foot still stuck in the fence but in extreme agony. I could barely belive what I was seeing! The pigs were eating my foot! They had chewed clean through my boot and made a meal of my poor foot. I had lost 2 and a half toes, most of my heel and the ball of by foot was now a gaping hole! I cannot even begin to describe the pain I was in. I managed to get my phone out of my pocket and call an ambulance. I was drifiting in and out of consciousness, helpless and alone Carlos. I was so very scared. Oh Carlos, I though I was going to die. The ambulance men managed to distract the pigs by throwing some apples into their pen and as they all rushed to eat them, they freed my foot and dragged me to safety. They gave me morphine for the pain and rushed me to hospital. On the way there, they told me how lucky I was. I can tell you that I didn't feel very lucky! Apparently, an old lady had been eaten by pigs on her way home from playing bingo so I guess I had a pretty lucky escape. Here is a link to the story in the news.

Woman eaten by pig

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the doctors were marvelous. They patched up my foot and assured me that all would be well. Unfortunately, it became badly infected and had to be amputated. I know this must come as a terrible shock to you Carlos. I have now had time to come to terms with my fate and the sad fact that I shall be a one footed woman for the rest of my life. The big question is, Carlos, my darling Carlos, could you ever truely love a lady who has only one foot? Could you want to spend your life with a wonky woman, a hobbling girl? The thought of you and I living our lives together eventually has given me hope. I know you are a true gentleman Carlos, a man of his word, an honest and noble man. I just pray that you don't turn your back on me now that I am no longer complete. Losing my foot changes nothing. I am still a woman of passion and need a man like you in my life Carlos.

Losing my foot has given me an idea for a new business too so it's not all bad. False limbs are just so ugly! I intend working with some local designers and poets to produce a range of beautiful to look at, false limbs for the more descerning amputee. "Poetic, Aesthetic Prosthetics" will combine high end design with inspirational text to produce a beautiful yet practical prosthetics. My mind is a whirl of ideas and I feel exciting times ahead Carlos, I really do!  Who would have thought that such a tragic accident could lead to such an amazing  money making opportunity? Heather Mills (the ex Mrs Paul McCartney) has already said that she would love to be a spokesperson on our behalf and Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen has agreed to allow us to use some of their lyrics on our limbs. Can you imagine the lyrics from 'Let's get rocked', expertly hand painted on a leg?

"Oh, all I wanna do is take a ride into the blue
Ev'ry time I want to love you I get stuck inside my room
Heaven knows I'm sick'n'tired of dancin' with this broom "

Inspirational stuff eh?

Well my darling, I have to go and do my physiotherapy now. I am determined to keep going and not be brought down by this. Pigs may have taken my foot but they will never take my fighting spirit or dignity! NEVER!!

I can't wait to hear from you again Carlos, I love and miss you so very very much.

All my love and devotion

Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS You're not an acrotomophile by any chance are you?