Oh Carlos, are you really staying in a brothel? How very dare you!!
Dear Carlos
Thank you for your recent emails. I have to say that I am extremely hurt that you should dare to question my love for you. Carlos, do I mean so little to you? I have stuck by you through all this and that is how you repay me? I am cut to the quick, my heart is in tatters.
Despite all this, despite your obvious mistrust and lack of faith in me, I once again called the number you gave me for the hotel. I double checked before I dialled to make sure it was correct. This was how the conversation went :
Me : Hello, can I speak to TESLIME NOUREDINE NDIAYE please?
Them : Pardon?
Me : can I speak to TESLIME NOUREDINE NDIAYE please?
Them : You wish make visit?
Me: Errmm no, I am phoning to pay an outstanding hotel bill.
Them : Cost 23,346.2 CFA for inside sex, 15,564.1 CFA for sucky and 11,673.1 CFA for hand
Me : I beg your pardon?
Them : That price list for servicings.
Me : No! I want to pay Mr Carlos Perez outstanding hotel bill.
Them : We no hotel. We sex house. You come stay. We lovely ladies. Good sexings.
Me : No thank you. I want to talk to the manager of La Raven Hotel. I need to pay a bill for my husband to be. His name is Carlos Perez
Them : No Carlos here. You want work here? You nice sexy lady? You nice clean lady bits?
Me : How dare you! I am soon to be married. Are you sure this is not La Raven?
Them : No La Raven here.
Me : Do you have a number for La Raven Hotel then please?
Them : You want make sex with lady?
Me : NO!!!
At this point I had had enough and hung up. I am so sorry to have to ask you this Carlos but are you infact staying at a brothel, a house of ill repute? The woman I spoke to was adamant that it was not a hotel and definately not La Raven. Are you absolutely sure you gave me the correct name and number Carlos? I have to admit I feel rather shaken up by all this . One part of me hopes it has all been a big mistake and you gave me the wromg number. What will I do if you really have been staying in a brothel? You could have caught some nasty disease or anything. Oh the shame. It's like something off Jeremy Kyle. Oh Carlos, I am all in a tizz now and have even had to have a glass of port to calm my nerves.
Please reply as soon as possible and let me know what the hell is going on.
Yours
Tess xxxx
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Carlos wants to 'join me up' - a message from Carlos.
Carlos wants to 'join me up soon'. I am a bit worried that he may have some kind of wierd 'human centipede' type fetish going on. Should I bail out now or keep him hanging a little while longer? Oh go on then!!
Hello Sweetie,
How are you doing this morning? I assume you are doing great,honey please do something fast so that i can join you up soon,my life is wasting away here and the hotel manager is giving my tough time here,he want me to pay his money and check out of the hotel,honey this is taking too long,this is just a matter of you transferring the money to the hotel manager then i can leave here as soon as possible,have a wonderful morning.
Love and kisses,
Carlos.
Hello Sweetie,
How are you doing this morning? I assume you are doing great,honey please do something fast so that i can join you up soon,my life is wasting away here and the hotel manager is giving my tough time here,he want me to pay his money and check out of the hotel,honey this is taking too long,this is just a matter of you transferring the money to the hotel manager then i can leave here as soon as possible,have a wonderful morning.
Love and kisses,
Carlos.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
He's questioning my love for him - a message from Carlos.
How very dare he!! Carlos is questioning my love for him because I asked him to do a runner from the hotel. The cheek of the man!!
Hello Sweetie,
Thanks for your mail,i am happy that the church community dig you out of snow,this year weather is so terrible.The number i gave you is very correct you have to check what you are dialing to see if you are dialing the right number i gave you.Honey why do you suggest that i should run away over night? I can't do this i have to pay for whatever i use,i am not that type of a man will reap from someone's sweat i don't do that,by suggesting this, that means you are not ready to help me,why should i run to the airport without having my ticket on my hand? Honey this is not a good suggestion for me,i have to pay my hotel bill and get a return ticket back to the UK. this is our plan why are you trying to suggest another thing that wont work? I am a man that have fear of God irrespective of what i am passing through here. I have a question for you,does that mean you find it so difficult to help me pay my hotel bill? I explain to you about the present situation of this country and i have to leave here before the election time otherwise i will be in danger. Please do something about this so that i can go back. Honey do you really love me? I ask for your phone number and you didn't give me,please let me have your phone number if truly you love me. Looking forward to your mail.
Love and kisses,
Carlos.
Hello Sweetie,
Thanks for your mail,i am happy that the church community dig you out of snow,this year weather is so terrible.The number i gave you is very correct you have to check what you are dialing to see if you are dialing the right number i gave you.Honey why do you suggest that i should run away over night? I can't do this i have to pay for whatever i use,i am not that type of a man will reap from someone's sweat i don't do that,by suggesting this, that means you are not ready to help me,why should i run to the airport without having my ticket on my hand? Honey this is not a good suggestion for me,i have to pay my hotel bill and get a return ticket back to the UK. this is our plan why are you trying to suggest another thing that wont work? I am a man that have fear of God irrespective of what i am passing through here. I have a question for you,does that mean you find it so difficult to help me pay my hotel bill? I explain to you about the present situation of this country and i have to leave here before the election time otherwise i will be in danger. Please do something about this so that i can go back. Honey do you really love me? I ask for your phone number and you didn't give me,please let me have your phone number if truly you love me. Looking forward to your mail.
Love and kisses,
Carlos.
Pastor G.Spot to the rescue! A message to Carlos.
As Carlos is such a good law abiding citizen, I wonder if I can persuade him to break the law?
Dearest Carlos.
How are you today my darling? I hope you are well and not suffereing too much.
My phone line is now fixed so I managed a few calls today thank goodness. Now I am by no means a religious woman but being stranded and in the predicament I have found myself in, I thought a call to the local church would possibly bring me the help I needed. This morning I called the local parish vicarage and spoke to Pastor G.Spot. He is a kindly man and I explained my situation, me being incapacitated and snowed in and he agreed that he would summon some of the church community to come and help dig me out. Oh Carlos, they were wonderful! They came armed with shovels and grit and got to it straight away. As soon as a path was cleared, Sister Sledge the parish Nun came in and gave me some delicious home made soup. I invited them all in for hot drinks and oh how we laughed at how useless the sheep had been in summoning help for me!
So, at last I am free from my snowy prison. I guess I now know what it is like to be an eskimo lol!
I rang the hotel today on the number you gave me but for some reason it was not recognised, Can you check it is the correct number please?
I do have another idea though Carlos. Do you like a a bit of excitement in your life? I do!! Are you up for a bit of a challenge? Yes?!!! Ok!! Well, I think you should do a runner from the hotel! I think you should sneak out in the middle of the night when all is quiet and make a run for it!! If you can get to the airport, there will be a ticket waiting for you I promise. As long as you tell me which day you intend to abscond then I will arrange the rest for you. How very exciting it would be. Carlos, you would be a fugitive, a lone figure on the run. Have you any idea how much that turns me on? Oooh Carlos I am getting all unnecessary!! Please say you will do it for me Carlos!
I await your speedy reply!
All my love and devotion
Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dearest Carlos.
How are you today my darling? I hope you are well and not suffereing too much.
My phone line is now fixed so I managed a few calls today thank goodness. Now I am by no means a religious woman but being stranded and in the predicament I have found myself in, I thought a call to the local church would possibly bring me the help I needed. This morning I called the local parish vicarage and spoke to Pastor G.Spot. He is a kindly man and I explained my situation, me being incapacitated and snowed in and he agreed that he would summon some of the church community to come and help dig me out. Oh Carlos, they were wonderful! They came armed with shovels and grit and got to it straight away. As soon as a path was cleared, Sister Sledge the parish Nun came in and gave me some delicious home made soup. I invited them all in for hot drinks and oh how we laughed at how useless the sheep had been in summoning help for me!
So, at last I am free from my snowy prison. I guess I now know what it is like to be an eskimo lol!
I rang the hotel today on the number you gave me but for some reason it was not recognised, Can you check it is the correct number please?
I do have another idea though Carlos. Do you like a a bit of excitement in your life? I do!! Are you up for a bit of a challenge? Yes?!!! Ok!! Well, I think you should do a runner from the hotel! I think you should sneak out in the middle of the night when all is quiet and make a run for it!! If you can get to the airport, there will be a ticket waiting for you I promise. As long as you tell me which day you intend to abscond then I will arrange the rest for you. How very exciting it would be. Carlos, you would be a fugitive, a lone figure on the run. Have you any idea how much that turns me on? Oooh Carlos I am getting all unnecessary!! Please say you will do it for me Carlos!
I await your speedy reply!
All my love and devotion
Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, 6 February 2012
Snowed in with broken internets ~ a message to Carlos
He's been patient so I thought I'd send him a quick reply. I am snowed in and going nowhere including the bank!!
Hello my gorgeous husband to be!!
Sorry for not being in touch with you for a few days. It has been a complete nightmare here! I don't know if you have managed to see the news for the UK but we have been hit by the most terrible weather. Here in Slutsbury~in~Gussett we had the most unbelevable snow storm I have ever experienced. The sheer intensity and volume of snow broke the internets. The poles holding it up were brought crashing down, damaging the cables and making the internets well and truely broken. The phone lines were also damaged so I have had no contact with the outside world for 3 days now.
The villiage in which I live is down in a valley so we were hit very hard by the snow rolling down the hills and gathering at the bottom. My house is a large detached house with no immediate neighbours so i was very isolated. I soon became completely snowed in. The snow reached up above the ground floor windows in massive drifts and I couldn't get out of the house. Even if I could have escaped, I woudn't have got very far with my missing foot. Oh Carlos, I was so scared. Snowed in, all alone and with no form of contact available to me.
I wrote a note and put it in an envelope tied to a loop of string which I managed to hook round the neck of one of the sheep in my garden by leaning out of the upstairs window and using one of my crutches as a kind of fishing rod. But Carlos, as much as I love sheep, they are dumb creatures and the stupid animal just stood there instead of going for help. I suppose I cant blame the sheep really. After all, it's not a carrier pigeon is it? Thankfully I had enough food in the house to see me through so have managed to eat and keep warm. This morning, at long last, the internets have been fixed so my first thought was to contact you. I am still snowed in so can't get anywhere at the moment which is a pain. Hopefully either the snow will melt or someone will come and dig me out soon.
Take care Carlos and I shall be in touch soon
All my love
Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sorry for not being in touch with you for a few days. It has been a complete nightmare here! I don't know if you have managed to see the news for the UK but we have been hit by the most terrible weather. Here in Slutsbury~in~Gussett we had the most unbelevable snow storm I have ever experienced. The sheer intensity and volume of snow broke the internets. The poles holding it up were brought crashing down, damaging the cables and making the internets well and truely broken. The phone lines were also damaged so I have had no contact with the outside world for 3 days now.
The villiage in which I live is down in a valley so we were hit very hard by the snow rolling down the hills and gathering at the bottom. My house is a large detached house with no immediate neighbours so i was very isolated. I soon became completely snowed in. The snow reached up above the ground floor windows in massive drifts and I couldn't get out of the house. Even if I could have escaped, I woudn't have got very far with my missing foot. Oh Carlos, I was so scared. Snowed in, all alone and with no form of contact available to me.
I wrote a note and put it in an envelope tied to a loop of string which I managed to hook round the neck of one of the sheep in my garden by leaning out of the upstairs window and using one of my crutches as a kind of fishing rod. But Carlos, as much as I love sheep, they are dumb creatures and the stupid animal just stood there instead of going for help. I suppose I cant blame the sheep really. After all, it's not a carrier pigeon is it? Thankfully I had enough food in the house to see me through so have managed to eat and keep warm. This morning, at long last, the internets have been fixed so my first thought was to contact you. I am still snowed in so can't get anywhere at the moment which is a pain. Hopefully either the snow will melt or someone will come and dig me out soon.
Take care Carlos and I shall be in touch soon
All my love
Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
May I have your attention please? A message from Carlos.
Carlos is getting impatient. He wants my constant attention as well as my money!!
Hello Sweetie,
How are you doing this wonderful Sunday? I have not heard from you,please always give me your attention so that i can always know what to do here,i am facing hell here,i wish you you help me with some money to set up the account everything would have be over by now,please help em to pay the hotel bill and get me a ticket to return back to the UK so that we can plan our life together. Terrible things are happening here and i am not safe i have to leave here soon.I can't wait to see you,have a wonderful night.
Love and kisses,a
Carlos.
How are you doing this wonderful Sunday? I have not heard from you,please always give me your attention so that i can always know what to do here,i am facing hell here,i wish you you help me with some money to set up the account everything would have be over by now,please help em to pay the hotel bill and get me a ticket to return back to the UK so that we can plan our life together. Terrible things are happening here and i am not safe i have to leave here soon.I can't wait to see you,have a wonderful night.
Love and kisses,a
Carlos.
Friday, 3 February 2012
A message from Carlos - his life is in danger.
How very fortuitous for Carlos that there are riots in Senegal. He couldn't have timed it better really could he? So, his life is in danger and he needs me to bail him out! He's going to have a long wait! Ooh Iam a hard hearted bitch!
Hello Sweetie,
Thanks for your quick response,Senegal is not a safe place now due to ongoing riot,all the embassies are warning their citizen to avoid traveling to Senegal throughout this month because the election will take place on 26th of this month and a lots of things may happen,honey i am afraid now because it seems my life is in danger so i do like to leave here now,please do something about quickly about my hotel bill and my air ticket so that i can go back to the UK. I told the hotel manager that my wife promise to send the money to his account and this morning he said he has given me enough time,i must pay my bill and check out,honey it seems that i am joking with him you know African mentality is too low,please save me from this embarrassment.I can't wait to be with you.
Love and kisses,
Carlos.
Thanks for your quick response,Senegal is not a safe place now due to ongoing riot,all the embassies are warning their citizen to avoid traveling to Senegal throughout this month because the election will take place on 26th of this month and a lots of things may happen,honey i am afraid now because it seems my life is in danger so i do like to leave here now,please do something about quickly about my hotel bill and my air ticket so that i can go back to the UK. I told the hotel manager that my wife promise to send the money to his account and this morning he said he has given me enough time,i must pay my bill and check out,honey it seems that i am joking with him you know African mentality is too low,please save me from this embarrassment.I can't wait to be with you.
Love and kisses,
Carlos.
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